Finding a balance

 

We all need to find a balance in life. Whether it is the balance between our home and our work, ourselves and our family or in my case, my children.  There are three of them. There are two of us, my hubby and I. We are outnumbered.

When my hubby and I started talking about having a third child we laughed at the thought of there being more of them than there are of us. We discussed the problem of having one more child than we have hands, one more child than we even had bedrooms for, and yet....here we are, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Is the jump from two to three that big?

Yes. Maybe not Evil Knievil jumps the grand canyon big, but big.

Just because there are more animals than keepers in our household doesn't make it a complete zoo.  But, add to the sheer number of small humans in my house, the fact that one of them has severe food allergies, and that throws a few more balls into the air to juggle.

The Squeaky Wheel
We have all heard the saying, "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." Meaning that if one of your children is screaming from the bathroom for toilet paper, one is hanging perilously from the top of the loft ladder and one is quietly painting themselves with nail polish, you hide in the bathroom until your husband gets home.  No really, you grab the kid from the ladder before you have to add a trip to the ER to your daily "to list" because a long wait on the pot or a little added sparkle to the floor won't undo your whole day.

So when your children outnumber you (or you and your husband) you play the squeaky wheel game.  Who needs me most? Who will live without me for the next 5 minutes?

For anyone with kids there are not too many times when their wheels don't need oiling. They need feeding, clothing, bathing, tutoring, disciplining, rescuing, answering, moderating, playing, loving, hugging, soothing, kissing, boosting, and most of the time that is before 8:00am.

When one of your children has additional needs as far as their health, they tend to get the most focus. That one kid whose wheel is constantly squeaking. Over the last year, that child has been my Monk. The hubs and I have had to learn so much about caring for a child with food allergies, eczema and asthma.  I will admit that there isn't many times of the day that some aspect of this doesn't weigh on my mind.

So where does that leave the other two?

Trust me that each of them offer up plenty of opportunities for oil, and lately their needs may have resulted from a lack of being the squeaky one. How do you balance? How do you ensure that each of them gets their fill of mommy time and knows that they are loved.  How do you choose which wheel to oil when one is breaking out into hives, one can't get the help needed for long running behavioral problems and the last is hardly ever squeaky but wants nothing more than to sit and cuddle with you for hours?

This is where I have found myself over the last weeks. And the answer is that you become the last on the list and dole out as much attention as you can spare in those short and few waking hours that we are given. You ignore the state of your house, maybe don't cook dinner for a few nights, and understand that everyone will live through a week (or two) of school with wrinkled uniforms (or shirts with no buttons. Yep, that happened.)

Enough To Go Around
When you begin to consider having more than one child, there is a question that we all ask ourselves. Will I love this next child as much as my first? It is horrible to admit but we all wonder somewhere in the far recesses of our brains. We love or children so much that spreading it amongst multiple kids just seems virtually impossible. We make it happen though, and some magical force Grinchifies our hearts to grow with the addition of each new family member.

While it becomes second nature to share and spread the love, there is one thing in our lives that we all need more of but can't seem to get...time. And that is where things get complicated. Taking the time to give each child what they need can take more than 24 hours each day, and that is before you go to work, make dinner, wash the dishes, clean the clothes.  You get me.

There is not enough time to go around to focus on  just one child to the extent to which we all would like, but I can only hope that sharing a mommy, and learning to help themselves on occasion (like making sure there is toilet paper in the bathroom before you go potty!) will help them each to become a bit more resilient in life.

I try to find a balance, and I have a feeling that I will be working the scales back and forth for the rest of my life. I have three beautiful children who each need me in one way or another, and I am thankful for being needed, being wanted and being loved by them. Even if it is for 27 hours a day.

And know that it is an exercise in futility to get them all to smile at the same time.

Perspective

Written May 19, 2014

The dictionary defines perspective as "a way of regarding situations, facts, etc, and judging their relative importance." 

Right now, today, I hate perspective. Because to have perspective on life, it many times means that some else is suffering far more that you. 

"That really puts things into perspective." The "that"? Someone else gets laid off from their job, is diagnosed with a terminal illness...loses a child.  So in the face of this tragedy we are able, somehow, to be thankful for our own lives. Those small problems that plague us, pail in comparison.

Why can't we gain perspective without someone else "trumping" our own problems. Why can't we see the importance of saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you" without a heavy heart. We all want to remember to hug our children everyday, to not get so upset with them, to forgive others when trivial differences arise, to never go to bed angry at our spouses, for who knows what tomorrow holds. Without perspective, sometimes we forget. 

Perspective is the great equalizer. It helps us to remember that we are all the same, and with the blink of an eye we could be facing the same loss. So maybe perspective isn't totally terrible, as long as you are on the right side of it.  Maybe it gives a bit more meaning to the lives of those who are sick or no longer with us if we translate one's suffering into love and thanks for friends, family and those who are on the other end of our own perspective. 

Today I have perspective on what is important, or better, unimportant in my life. I wish I didn't have this perspective, because maybe that would mean that she wouldn't be suffering her loss right now, that her sadness didn't outweigh all of ours. 

A prayer to God that He keep my family safe and healthy, and to Mary to hold in her arms those mothers, especially my friend, suffering for their children.

So have perspective. Hug your children. Call your mother. And I will close the computer so that I can go have lunch with my husband, which I always seem "to busy" to do.





 

The Label Strikes Back!

Read the label, read the label, read the label...and then read it again. When you have a kid with food allergies it just becomes second nature.  I find myself reading labels of things that I am not even planning to give to Monk just to see if it is viable option.  If a package of strawberries had a label, I'd read it.

Or would I?

Labels aren't just on food
Sitting next to my kids tub are about 5 bottles of shampoo and body wash. Some for the older kids and a couple for Monk. He has special shampoo for when his eczema flares up, regular tear free baby wash, and then a bottle of "natural" head to toe wash that has been there for months but rarely used.

Well, I used it, and seeing as most of my posts end in reaction, you can probably guess what happened next. Hives. All over. I pick up the bottle, flip it over, and right there is a list of sources for the natural ingredients. Among them, coconut and sunflower.
 

The Catch
Now my label reading will extend to shampoos, soaps, lotions and such, but there is a catch. The labeling laws for these items are not the same as they are for food. The FDA requires food manufacturers to list the top 8 allergens by their source name in ingredients lists (e.g. Whey as Milk, etc.), and more and more manufacturers are moving towards "Contains" and "Manufactured on" statements to help those suffering from food allergies.  Beauty products are not required to do the same.  The ingredients in the body wash that come from Monk's allergens are polygyceryl-10 laurate, cocoglycerides, sodium coco-sulfate, coco-glucoside and glyceryl oleate.  Try remembering those the next time you are at the store. Of course, since coconut and sunflower oil aren't included in the top 8, the source wouldn't be listed anyway, and it is only because this wash is touting its natural ingredients.

So here is the problem: the hair must be washed.  I mean, the child was labeled "Baby Elvis" at 3 months of age for a reason.

Lip curl and mic ready!

Almost every shampoo that I have come across in the past few weeks of researching this issue has coconut in some form or another. Scouring the internet to find a coconut free shampoo is not an easy feat. I posted the question on two different allergy forums because someone must have had this problem before, right? I got a few great suggestions for soap that is allergy friendly but shampoo is difficult. This blog, Allergic to Coconut? had a few answers including going shampoo free with apple cider vinegar and baking soda (pretend you didn't just gag from the thought of smelling your sweet vinegary baby).

Before I run out and spend $20 on 8oz of shampoo or soak him in vinegar I will consult my allergist to see if I am taking things to the extreme (it wouldn't be a first.) It may be that the sunflower alone or in combination with several sources of coconut in that particular shampoo was what caused his reaction. Either way, that bottle is going the way of the dodo, at lease in my house.